


No, Not Nothing

by Impatient_Imp



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Embedded Images, Homophobia, I'll add more tags as we go, LOVE VICTOR SEASON 2 IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE DELAYED SO FUCK IT I'LL DO IT MYSELF, M/M, Post-Canon, Thanks Coronavirus, Underage Drinking, Well Post Season 1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24792100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impatient_Imp/pseuds/Impatient_Imp
Summary: I turn around. My hands are already shaking. Am I really going to do this? All the nerves in my brain are firing like fireworks in the Winter Carnival and I feel like a phantom force has possessed me, the words coming out of my mouth not my own."No, not nothing.""Mom, Dad...I'm...Gay"My take on Season 2 of Love, Victor.
Relationships: Felix Westen/Lake Meriwether, Victor Salazar/Benji Campbell
Comments: 98
Kudos: 357





	1. Episode 1: 0 Seconds Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for clicking on the story! I haven't been writing in a while so I'm rustier than the Statue of Liberty. This fic is mainly for my self indulgence, as Coronavirus got me bored, with nothing to do other than write. (and sleep)
> 
> Tell me what you think, especially my first person perspectives. I tired to mimic Becky Albertalli's writing, but its the first time I've written in first person so I'll need tips. I'm also up for any discussion about the TV show in the comments!
> 
> To anyone who cant see the images used in this story, the text on those images (as they're mainly conversations with Simon) are on the end notes of each chapter.
> 
> Good vibes y'all and stream Chromatica by Lady Gaga! <3

I turn around. My hands are already shaking. Am I really going to do this? All the nerves in my brain are firing like fireworks in the Winter Carnival and I feel like a phantom force has possessed me, the words coming out of my mouth not my own.

"No, not nothing."

Pilar looks at me expectantly while Mamá and Papá have concern on their faces. I never really talk about my own problems so I guess those looks are warranted.

Fuck this bullshit.

If my parents are going to drop a bombshell on me like that I might as well add my own. This family was already shattering into a million pieces, it wouldn't matter if I broke it into a billion, even if I tried so hard to fix it.

"Mom, Dad..."

Am I really going to do this?

"I'm..."

"Gay."

.

.

.

There's deafening silence. Nobody really knows what to say. I guess it's better than being immediately screamed and booed at like in that awful dream I had.

"Victor-"

"I'm gonna change", I repeat myself, turning around and walking off to avoid their looks. I didn't know if they're disgusted, angry or in shock. I don't want to know now. I could deal with it tomorrow. There are just too many emotions in my head right now and I need sleep.

When I reach my room, I close the door, making sure not to slam it. I shrug off my black blazer and hang it on my chair. I'm about to change when I remember that I haven't replied to Simon. I pull out my phone from the blazers pocket, sitting down on my bed and read the email from Simon again. My fingers quickly tap out a reply.

I didn't notice it at first, thinking that it was just the tiredness, but as soon as I finished reading Simon's message-my eyes were watering. I gave out a shaky sigh. The situation with Mia was something I need to take responsibility for, because I'm the asshole who cheated on her, broke her heart in two and gave her not the best, but probably the **worst** night of her life. 

But with my parents, I think that was the first time someone had explained it like that to me. That it wasn't my fault. That my parent's relationship is something only they can be responsible for and talk about.

I reach out to the walkie talkie on my desk, but then I remember that I left the dance before Felix, and there is still around an hour left. He wouldn't be at home. I hope he's having a good time with that girl he went with.

I breathe out and then breathe in, taking my fingers through my combed hair, messing it up a bit. Then, a thought appears in my mind and I smile, touching my lips. My phone's still in my hands.

Benji.

I could call Benji.

On one hand I really shouldn't call him, he's just broken up with his boyfriend, he's got enough on his plate.

On the other hand, Benji is patient. He's kind. He'll listen. He'll understand what I'm going through.

* * *

A minute later my phone's pressed to my ear and I'm calling Benji.

"Hey, Victor? I thought you were calling me tomorrow. I think you're a few hours early." Benji says, his voice sending shivers down my spine. I could even hear his smile when he says the last part.

I smile reflexively too and then a choked sob escapes my lips. "Look, Mia found out about us. She saw us kiss and-"

I can almost hear the pause in Benji's heartbeat.

"Victor, I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you outside what was I-"

"No, no, no. Don't say that okay? I don't regret it. Well I do, but not in that way. Yeah? I just wished that Mia didn't see us."

Benji laughs shakily.

"Don't worry, I get you. I feel so bad about Mia though. What are you going to say to her?"

"I don't know right now." I then hear the footsteps and muttering of a few people on Benji's end. "Wait, Benji, where are you?"

"I'm outside. Don't matter. It's alright, Victor. I'm fine. It's fine. Everything's fine."

The more times he said it, the more _not fine_ I was convinced he was.

"Benji, are you okay?"

"Yeah." Benji then sighs. 

"No, not really."

"Why aren’t you at home?"

"I...I don't want my dad to see me drinking."

I shoot up from my chair and grab Simon's jacket, it would be warmer than my blazer. I also shrug off my dress shoes and slip on my Nike Cortez. My problems can wait. Benji wasn't in a good place right now and nobody probably knew except me. The last time he told me he drank, he crashed into a Wendys. Who knows what he would do this time, maybe crash into a Chick-Fill-A?

"Where are you?" I say, grabbing my keys and slipping outside of my room. Pilar has gone into her room, but my parents are still in the living room, talking to each other when they notice me.

"Victor, where are you going?"

I'm still upset at them, but I manage to say "I need to go find a friend. I'm worried about him."

"Victor, I'm fine. It's fine. Don-don't worry about me. I'm fine." Benji’s voice breaks mid-sentence and my heart breaks a little for him.

" _Mi amor_ , it's late-" Mamá says, Papá is still quiet and deep in thought.

"No, Mamá, _voy a rumbiar_ , I-I need him as much as he needs me right now."

"It's okay, _flaco_ , go." Papá says, shaking his head at Mamá when she opens her mouth to protest. He looks back. "Just promise us that you'll come back in a hour and that we'll talk about what you said tomorrow, okay?" Mamá shakes her head, annoyed with Papá, as usual.

I didn't want to talk about **it** at all, but Benji was alone outside and a few drinks away from doing something stupid.

"I promise."

I bolt down the stairs and outside into the cold night, glad that I brought the jacket, as I didn't feel as cold as much. I fish out my car keys from my pocket and I start the car, the engine slowly heating up the inside. 

Benji had ended the call, but sent me a message that he was at a park near his house. I text him back:

Benji isn't okay and it was all my fault. What gave me the brilliant idea of leaving him alone? I should have told him to come with me back inside, it wasn’t like he had a boyfriend to take back home. There wasn't any way I could change the past, but I could make sure I could be there for him right now. The car sputters into life as I press the gas pedal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation with Simon, for those who are having technical difficulties:
> 
> Victor,  
> I totally understand wanting to give Mia the perfect night before you come clean, but here's the thing about the truth, you can't control how people react to it. All you can do is be honest with the people that you love. The rest is up to them. Whatever happens, you'll always have me.
> 
> Simon,  
> I guess you're right. The truth came out a few times this night.  
> Good news is that Benji and I are okay now, he read my letter and forgave me. Then his boyfriend and him found me at the dance and I told them what exactly happened at the work trip. Benji broke up with his boyfriend because he realized he wasn't happy. Me and Benji kissed again. It was really nice. I'm so happy he wants me the same way I want him.  
> Bad news is that I've really hurt Mia. She saw me kissing Benji. I'm so, so stupid, kissing a boy when I said I was going to give her the best night of her life before coming clean. She's got other things she's dealing with, which makes this whole deal even worse.  
> Good news, I did it. I came out to my parents.  
> Bad News, not at the best circumstances though. They told me that they're separating. Why can't I fix this family? Why does everything keep falling apart again and again? Simon, what am I doing wrong?
> 
> Victor,  
> I'm glad you were able to sort things out with Benji. I'm happy for you that he likes you back. Do you think you are ready to be his boyfriend? He's already fully out, so are you ready to follow him out of the closet, to everyone? Nobody can really keep any secret in Creekwood High.  
> With Mia, you've got to give her time and distance. Then, when she's ready, she'll talk to you. From what I've heard, Mia seems to be a very headstrong woman. She'll want to talk. Eventually. Let her make the first move.  
> I'm glad you came out to your parents. It feels exhilarating, doesn't it? Like a weight lifting from your chest, that stopped you from breathing properly. I hope they are accepting of you. If you need any support, I'm always here to message. If you need to talk to someone else, Mrs Albright will listen. She helped me out when I was in Creekwood.  
> Finally, don't blame yourself for you parents. It's not your fault. When Bram's parents split he blamed himself for it, and it took him a while to come to peace with the fact that he can't control everything or solve everything. You're only 16, Victor, your parents shouldn't depend on you like you are another adult in the house. It's not fair. Whatever happens, please, please know that you should never be responsible for your parents marriage. 
> 
> Simon,  
> I'm ready to be out, if it means I get to be with him. I can't tell you how amazing he is. Benji is the best. I don't care what others say. I really really like him.  
> With Mia, I don't really know what to say because I know anything I say to her will only hurt her even more. I love Mia, but as a friend. And I'm so sorry that she got caught up in this whole mess. I need to tell her the full story of what happened, but how?  
> I might go talk to Miss Albright. She was actually the one that originally told me about you.  
> And I just want to say thanks for telling me it's not my fault. I guess part of me knows that my parents splitting isn't my fault, but a larger voice in my head still thinks I'm to blame.  
> I don't know anymore. I'll deal with all this tomorrow. Goodnight Simon.


	2. Episode 1: Finding Benji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously on No, Not Nothing:
> 
> Victor and Simon have a conversation.  
> Victor and Benji have a conversation.  
> Victor and Benji both aren't doing so well.  
> Victor and Benji meet up for the second time tonight.

I find Benji with his hands in his hair, walking in circles around the entrance to the park, his blazer lies crumpled on the bench and he's un-tucked his t-shirt. He looks dishevelled, but he's still as gorgeous as a Disney prince. There's a bottle of Jack Daniel's on the bench, half full. As I walk towards him I can see the features of his face more clearly. He looks exhausted and his eyes are watery. I'm at first quite surprised, I've never seen him look this upset, but it does make sense. He just walked out of a relationship that he put so much effort into. Of course he'd be upset. He's allowed to be, Derek wasn't good for him.

Why did I leave him on the bench again? I should have told him to come inside with me.

"Victor, you actually came?" Benji says to me in shock, his voice quiet and wavering.

At that moment I decide that I absolutely never ever want to see him like this again. He's confident, outgoing and _amazing_ and he doesn't deserve to feel this way. Nobody does.

"Yeah," my voice softens, and I walk even faster towards him. "Yeah I did."

My feet are slightly lifted off the ground by his muscular arms as we hold each other tightly, as if we were each other's anchors in a storm in the open sea. I guess we both really need this hug, but didn't realise until right now.

All I can think of is that I feel safe and warm and that he smells _nice_. I feel his entire body shake and he rubs his face on my jacket and I realise that he's wiping away his tears. I squeeze him even tighter. My eyes are watering too, and a few teardrops drip down my face, onto his shoulder.

Benji breaks the embrace. I'm slightly disappointed, I have to admit, but he's still holding my hands, which is really nice. Who knew I would feel so _alive_ by just holding someone's hand. I've held hands before but I've never felt this way with anyone. It was real, it was everything I could ask for.

"Derek called me when I got home. He said...things."

"Things?" I ask dreadfully. 

"I don't want to talk about it right now." Benji shakily whispers. "Sorry, now that I'm broken up with him, I realise how messed up we actually were and I just can't talk about it right now. Sorry."

My heart drops when I see the pain in Benji's beautiful eyes. I feel angry for him. Whatever that asshole said to him really got through to him. I thought Benji was this confident and thick skinned person, but that wasn't the case. I guess everything Benji told me about Derek was only half the story.

"Don't apologise. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Whatever he said, he sounds like a complete asshole."

"Yeah. He really was."

Benji notices the tears on my face and gently touches my face, using his thumb to wipe the tear away. I rest my head on his hand, letting his thumb gently caress my cheek, as we stand at the entrance of the park.

"Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying." I say reflexively.

Benji does this cute thing where he slightly frowns and furrows his eyebrows. He pulls me back into a tight hug again, rocking our bodies lightly.

"Hey, you shouldn't be sorry for crying either. You just came out to your parents didn't you? I overheard on the phone. That's kind of a big deal, right?"

"Yeah. I guess so. I kinda felt like someone took over me and did it for me. I can't believe I did it."

"Sounds like you were possessed by some sort of ghost."

"I don't think ghost exist."

Benji smiles, I immediately feel so much warmer. "Then nobody will see us do this."

He breaks the hug to hold my face as he kisses me deeply. His soft lips on mine make my entire body shiver. It feels so much longer than when we were on the bench and it just feels _right._ When we finally stop, both of us are slightly out of breath. Benji's face is bright red, a mixture of the cold, drinking and kissing. He has his signature smile. I smile back at him.

"Wow."

"Wow, that was-"

"Fucking amazing." Benji finishes my sentence and pulls me closer into another hug. We stay like this for what seems like hours. I'm grinning and I know that he is too.

When we pull away again, I suddenly have the urge to yawn, which makes Benji yawn, which makes us laugh at how ridiculously tired we both were.

"Hey Benji, do you want me to walk you home?" Benji immediately shuts his eyes, groaning. He lets go of my hands, raking his own through his perfect hair and stumbling backwards as I realise that he's more drunk than he seems to be.

"I'm so stupid. I can't go back home like this. My dad will know I've been drinking again." Benji sits down on the bench, one hand in his hair, the other resting on the bench, which I took as an open invitation to grab and sit down closely to him.

"I can't let him see me like this. He'll definitely freak out. Any sane parent would if the last time their kid got wasted and he drove into a Wendys."

I look at the street surrounding us. There's a 7/11 where I could get some water for him. "We can sober up here. I'll get you some water. We can avoid more drive-thru drive throughs."

"Who knows, maybe I can crash into a Chick-fil-A this time." Benji laughs, and then looks at me warmly.

We stay quiet for a while, in comfortable silence until I ask, "Is that where you got the Jack Daniels from?" I point at the 7/11.

Benji looks down at his shoes first, and he turns back towards me, "Yeah. I have a fake ID. I can't quit, Victor. I feel too much right now and the only way I can deal is-"

"With drinking." I finish, my heart feels like it's being squeezed tighter and tighter as he continues to speak about it. I squeeze his hand three times; it was something Mamá used to do when I was younger to calm me down and remind me she was there. Benji takes a shaky breath. 

"I didn't want you to see me like this, you know. I can be a mess sometimes. I know being dependent on alcohol is kind of a deal breaker for some people who are looking for a relationship." Benji looks at his shoes, shaking his head and chuckling to himself, while squeezing my hand three times back.

"Well I guess everyone's a little messed up and if you wanna be with someone you've just gotta deal with everything, not just the best parts."

"Yeah. Makes sense."

"Just promise me you'll stop and get help."

"I promise."

"I'll be here for you if you ever want to talk."

"Thanks." Benji looks at the bottle of Jack with a steady determination of his face. He grabs it and empties its contents into the grass behind the bench. "I guess I don't need this anymore."

I smile at him, "Good."

Benji looks at me fondly and kisses me again.

"I won't see you any differently Benji. I still really, really like you."

Benji cocks his head, looking at me incredulously but mildly amused. He's got a lock of hair in front of his face. I kind of really want to touch it. He has such nice hair.

"I swear thats also a Carly Rae Jepsen song."

"Ha. Maybe I did. She's a good artist okay? She's really underrated." I confess. I didn't even realise that I had even quoted her until Benji mentioned it.

" _Late night watching television, but how'd we get into this position? It's way too soon I know this isn't love…"_ Benji sings to me. Wow. He's singing to me again. My heart now feels like it's being shaken like _Maracas._ I didn't realize how many emotions he could make me feel. I guess this is what it feels like to be really into someone.

"Yeah that's the song!" I say as Benji breaks into the chorus. He's trying to wiggle his butt on the bench and it's cute as hell.

I lean in and kiss him in the lips again, my free hand on his shoulder pulling him even closer. When we break away this time he pecks me in the lips and grins.

"I'll learn that song for you too then."

"Wait what? You mean at the Battle of the Bands you…"

"Yeah. I've been learning it on my own and when I saw you I guess I really wanted to play it for you. I'm so glad my bandmates could figure out the chords I was playing."

Benji grins again, resting his head on my shoulders. I rest my head on his. We stay silent for a few more moments.

.

.

.

I then have a brilliant, kinda stupid and selfish idea. I stand up, still holding his hand. "We don't have to stay here in the cold and wait for you to sober up. Do you want to crash at my house? There's enough space on my bed for the both of us."

Benji blushes, he stands up as well, slightly losing his balance. "Yeah. I'd really like that. Thank you."

He grabs his blazer with his free hand and checks he didn't drop anything. Jack Daniels is left abandoned on the bench.

"It's not like we haven't shared a bed already." He says as we're walking to my car. He then squeezes my hand and says "I wanted to kiss you back so badly that day. Maybe more."

Today was overwhelming already, but when Benji said _that_ my brain turned to **literally slush**. I could tell that Benji could tell that my brain was no longer functioning by the way he looked at me. By the look on his face, my reaction is exactly what he wanted. He grabs my face with both his hands and pecks me on the lips. He then happily swaggers to my car, leaning on the door and waiting for my brain to work again.

Benji grins. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Wow. I'm still processing what you said to me. Wow."

Benji full on laughs now, his back pressed into the car door as he slowly falls on his ass. I start to giggle, and fish out my car keys to unlock the car. Benji climbs in and is still laughing.

"You know you're really cute when you're like that?" Benji says with wide eyes and a giant grin.

"Shuddup." I reply back, my cheeks hot. In my mind though, I'm really happy that he just called me cute.

I start Papá's car and drive us to my house.

* * *

Benji needs some help getting up the stairs, and we spend around 5 minutes giggling to each other when he decides that he hates stairs and wants to sit down.

When I open my door, I notice that my parents are still in deep discussion, but stop to look at me and Benji. Mamá has disappointment written all over her face, and I didn't have enough time to look at Papá's face before I turned around, and led Benji into my room.

Yeah, must be weird seeing your kid come out and then bringing home his gay friend to sleep in the same room as him.

I gently slide Benji off my shoulder and onto my bed. I close my door with my foot. He frowns at the fact that our bodies aren't pressed together and it makes me smile. He runs his hands in his hair again, making it even more of a mess and yawns. I grab my water bottle and toss it to him, and he nods, opening the cap and gulping down all it's contents. While he's doing that, I grab a change of clothes for the both of us.

"You can wear this." I pass him the biggest shirt I have.

"Thanks," He says, and I know he means more than just for the clothes.

"No problem." As Benji takes off his shirt, I awkwardly try and turn around to give him as much privacy as I can, while unbuttoning my own and throwing on a large white T-shirt. I shrug off my trousers, and throw them in a pile Benji made with his clothes.

When I turn around I notice that Benji is staring at my back in deep interest, he grins and says, "You've got a lot of beauty spots in your back."

I blush and murmur a "thanks" in response.

"Are you gonna come to the bed or what?" Benji continues. He looks up and down at me and bites his lips. "I wanna cuddle."

"Benji, I'm not ready for-oh" I immediately blurt this out when I think I hear another word that wasn't "cuddle". Many dirty images of flash through my mind and I can feel the heat crawling up my face.

"Don't worry, I'm too tired to get it up anyway." He gives a shy smile.

I duck my head and laugh, and then I join Benji in the bed, my heart pounding even more when he slides one arm under my head and pulls us closer to each other. I can feel his breath on my skin, his eyes raking over every feature of my face. Benji pulls the duvet over the both of us and closes his eyes.

"Goodnight Benji."

"Goodnight Victor."

The last thing I notice before I fall asleep is how long his eyelashes are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you so much for the love and support for this fic. Just to let you all know, most of this fic will be based on Victor's perspective. Prepare for the Venji scenes we were starved of during Season 1.
> 
> I also want to flesh out Benji's character. I feel like Season 1 Benji was this mysterious and charming boy who just broke out of a bad relationship. It made me wonder what I could do with the aftermath of a long term relationship (I class one year as long term) and also Benji's own personal struggles with family and alcohol (like when he talks about his dad and drinking in episode 7). I really love this show because it shows that EVERYONE has their own problems and need to overcome them.
> 
> I also noticed that Victor doesn't actually own a car. He can drive, but I don't think he has one, so let's just say he's borrowing his dad's? Sorry for the massive plot hole guys.
> 
> Anyway, good vibes and stream Carly Rae Jepsen's Dedicated Side B!
> 
> P.S Can someone help me remove Chapter 1's end notes from the bottom of this chapter? I dont exactly know how that happened...


	3. Episode 1: The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously on No, Not Nothing,  
> Victor finds a drunk Benji  
> Drunk Benji is not okay  
> Victor isn't okay either  
> Benji and Victor go to Victor's house and share a bed (again!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, so I wrote a lot. 5k. Wow. I hope the change in chapter length isn't too jarring for most people. Just before the chapter starts, I want to recommend you a interview I listened to on Love Victor, (https://youtu.be/EiXQY2grhpM) it's absolutely brilliant and around the 26 min mark, I really like how they explained the struggles of LGBTQ+ people and how they deal with being constantly told by society that they are not enough.
> 
> Important info in the end notes! I'm adding images because I'm BOREDDD!

Most mornings, I wake up to my alarm, but on this particular Saturday morning, I open my eyes to find myself still facing Benji, who had turned in his sleep. He snores gently, his back moving up and down rhythmically. I wonder what he's dreaming of. I hope it's about me.

Then the realisation of what happened yesterday and the conversation that is to come today hits me.

I sit up and lean my back on the headboard, a sigh escapes my lips. I'm not sure exactly what to say to anyone who isn't Benji and won't understand what I'm going through. I frown, looking at the sleeping figure in my bed. How do I get Benji out of the house without my parents knowing? I don't want to overwhelm them. I've already come out to them and the last thing they need is to know that I'm sleeping with a boy. Not...sex or anything, but they would make assumptions. But that's not what I want. I want him to be with me when I talk to them. I think I kind of need him right now.

Benji wakes up from the sound of shifting covers. He sits up and rubs his eye, smiling when he sees me. I smile back too. Yesterday and now doesn't seem like reality. It feels like stuff you'd watch in a rom-com. But it is real, and Benji is real, and my feeling for him is real and I'm just so...happy. I also notice that his hair is an absolute, gravity defying, mess. He must have put some really strong hair gel on it last night because it's sticking out in all places. It also looks cute as hell.

"Morning." I softly say to him.

"Morning." Benji replies back, grinning. He rubs his eyes."What time is it?"

I look at my phone. Crap. I forgot to charge it last night, so it's on 1% battery. I don't have any new messages from Simon too. This day was going to suck. "6am." It shuts off immediately as I read it out. I sigh and plug it into the charger.

"Do you normally wake up this early?" Benji asks, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah. I have to make breakfast for everyone. My dad goes to work really early and he likes having a family breakfast."

"That's kind of you."

My face heats up at this compliment. I look out the window, at the slowly awakening neighbourhood. It was so peaceful this morning, even if I didn't feel the same.

"Thanks. I wish I could stay in this room all day, though. Don't wanna talk to my parents, but I'll have to some point." I grimace. "They're _not_ going to be happy."

Benji moves a little closer, his face soft, but reassuring. "Do you want me to be there with you when you talk to them?"

There's a moment of hesitation.

"Yeah." I then add, "Yeah. I'd like that. I just don't want them saying something about you as well. You don't deserve it."

Benji shrugs. "Don't worry about it. I'll manage. I want to be here for you, you know? I know that when I came out to my parents I would have wanted someone there who understood."

"Thanks." I sigh. "I'm kinda selfish though for asking you to do this." I explain, scratching the back of my neck.

Benji smiles and runs his hand through his hair, taming it back down. He shakes his head. "Selfish? You? No, Victor, you're the most selfless person I know."

It was nice hearing that from someone, but that wasn't true though. I can be really selfish. My mind flashes to the times I kissed Benji, both times I ruined a relationship. I see that Benji is waiting for a reply, so I flash him a smile and say, "Anyway, those pancakes aren't going to make themselves. Help me?"

"Yeah, I'd love to. Can you just give me a minute though?" Benji replies, his cheeks slightly red.

"Why?"

Benji doesn't reply, he glances down to his crotch, which is thankfully still covered by the blankets. He then bites his lips and gives an embarrassed laugh. The gears in my brain turn for a good while until I understand what he's saying. And then my face erupts in heat.

_Oh._

"I'm going to go brush my teeth." I blurt out.

"Yeah. Good idea." He awkwardly replies back, avoiding my gaze.

"You can take anything out of my closet to wear." I hope Benji doesn't notice that my voice is an octave higher. "There's a spare toothbrush in the top drawer next to my bed."

I sneak quietly into the bathroom and splash my face with cold water to fully snap myself out of embarrassment and shock. The way Benji nonchalantly talks about stuff like _that_ right in front of me and the things he says to me such as _"You're a natural"_ and _" I wanted to kiss you back so badly that day. Maybe more."_ Makes my heart flutter and my body warm. It also makes me feel so, so guilty about how I'm feeling. A small part of me wants to hide and take back what I said.

But there was no going back. Starting from now, it was day _numero uno_ of being gay. And the first thing I was going to do today was...

.

.

.

To brush my teeth.

* * *

Benji joins me in the bathroom as I'm washing my toothbrush and putting it back in the pot. He has my spare one, and picks up the toothpaste. I flash a half smile at him at him, avoiding looking at his eyes and dash back into my room, choosing some blue jeans and a nice white t-shirt to throw on. I also grab Benji's Spring Fling outfit and shuck them in a plastic bag, throwing it on my bed. My clothes from yesterday go in the hamper in the corner of my room.

The second thing I'm going to do on my first day as a gay man is make pancakes. Today feels like a pancake day. They're sweet, full of sugar and great for defusing family situations. If you drizzle them with honey and put some fresh strawberries on top, even better. Pancakes wouldn't fix everything, but maybe Mamá and Papá and Pilar would be less hostile to each other.

I get a measuring bowl and the ingredients out and lay them on the counter, checking to see if I had everything. I didn't have strawberries, but I could make do with blueberries and bananas. I could get Benji to chop them up for me.

I tried my best to focus on the task in hand, making the pancake batter, but like a skilled pianist, my hands move for me without any conscious effort. This leaves my mind a blank canvas for all my anxieties to paint on.

Who would be more disappointed at this news? What could I say to make them feel better? What would happen to Mamá and Pápá's already broken relationship? How would Pilar react? Would Adrain look at me differently, when he finds out? I can imagine Mamá crying about that she would never have grandchildren from me. I can imagine Papá disgust that I turned out to be like _those people_ that he always made fun of in Texas.

But I can't take back what I said. I don't want to live my life a lie and hurt even more people. What if I never told anyone and I end up in a loveless marriage with kids and a wife I don't even love?

What am I even going to do with Mia? Simon told me to wait for her to talk to me, but who would ever want to talk to an asshole who cheated on her?

She would avoid me at school and the whole school would know that something was up and people would keep digging and digging and _digging until they found out and it would get even worse and-_

Benji walks into the kitchen.

He taps me on the shoulder and I jump in surprise, which makes him move his hand back in surprise. He becomes concerned when he sees the look on my face. 

"Hey, are you okay?" He takes the mixing bowl and whisk from my hands. He's wearing my grey short sleeve t-shirt and my black shorts. I hate to admit it, but he wears them better than I do. His legs look so nice in shorts. I gulp. I've never looked at any girl in that way. Wow. I am so gay, how did I not know until a few weeks ago?

How did I manage to lie to myself all that time? How many people could have figured out I was that?

I realise that I'm getting lost in my thoughts again. My mind needs to just shut up. I look up and smile at Benji. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"You were kinda breathing heavily. What's in your mind, Victor? Talk to me." Benji furrows his eyebrows, unconvinced.

Benji starts mixing the batter for me, as I reply, "I-I'm sorry, I'm just on edge right now. I don't want them to be upset, but I don't want to go back into the closet to make them happy either, you know?"

"I get you, Victor. I wish people in this world were more accepting of us." He pauses for a second, "I hate that straight is the default, and you can't be anything else or _someone_ will get upset. Imagine straight people coming out to their parents."

"Like, _Mom, I'm straight, I like girls!_ " Benji's lowered his voice to a deep rumble and it's absolutely hilarious. I laugh and join in with the highest pitch my vocal cords could muster. "Oh no, the horror!"

"But Mom, girls are cute and all! They have big boobs and...stuff!"

"Boobs and stuff!" I break the banter as we end up chuckling at our inability to sound like we were remotely attracted to girls. I notice the dimples of his cheek and I skip a breath. I feel like he becomes more and more gorgeous every time he smiles. And he smiles a lot. He smiles when he's talking to me, he smiles when he's not.

"I hope they'll come around. They love you very much, Victor." My breath hitches for a second. Benji's eyes are sparkling. I'm staring at his lips, which look plump and soft. He's staring at mine. I feel like we're about to kiss, but then the realisation that I'm in the kitchen makes me awkwardly look away. Benji looks slightly deflated.

"I hope so." I say wishfully, unsure which statement I was hopeful for.

"I'm sorry about earlier, by the way." Benji adds. "I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable."

"Don't be. It's, er, perfectly normal." The heat returns to my face. Benji face flushes.

"It's also not just that, I'm sorry for last night and the drinking. You don't deserve to deal with all that, not with the stuff you have going on."

I frown as I shake my head, "No, don't say that. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to listen. Just like you are now." I softly say the last part, giving Benji a small smile.

Benji blushes and smiles back at me, his eyes bright and happy. He looks down at the batter.

"I think I've mixed the batter well enough. Do you want me to…" Benji motions to the frying pan I had pre-heated.

"Yeah." I say, "I'll make the coffee now."

* * *

We work in a comfortable quiet, which is only disturbed by the gentle sizzling of the frying pan, the buzz of the microwave and the rumble of the kettle. I set up the table while Benji stacks the pancakes on a large plate. I remember who has what. Mamá and Papá have coffee. Pilar likes coffee too, but Mamá doesn't want her drinking it first thing in the morning. I give her some coffee anyway. Adrian and I have water. I give Benji some water too.

My family start to wake up. I can hear the click of the lights in the bathroom and the smash of water in the sink. When I sit down on the table, my chest feels tight and heavy like a thousand elephants are stepping on it. I'm taking deeper breaths and my hands begin to slightly shake. I'm fucking terrified. I don't know how I was able to even manage to say the words last night.

To the ghost that possessed my body and gave me the courage to come out, where were you?

Benji must have noticed that I'm not feeling too good because he places a hand on the side of my shoulder to give me a side hug. He sets the pancake plate down and sits down next to me, grabbing my hand and giving me a supportive smile. I return the smile with a weaker one, and slide our held hands underneath the table. Benji's smile falters, but he nods in understanding.

I feel guilty that I'm holding his hand underneath the table, as if I'm _still_ hiding away, but I don't think I could have managed to let my parents know we were even doing this. I feel like they might explode if they know I've kissed him _._ I don't think I've ever felt so afraid in my life just to hold someone's hand. Benji squeezes my hand three times and starts to rub circles, to calm me down. I squeeze back, thankful.

"You can do this Victor." He says.

I'm about to reply " _thanks"_ when Papá's intruding voice interrupts me.

 _"_ I thought _he_ would have left by now, Victor _._ "

Papá wears a face of annoyance as his dismissive tone sends a cold shiver down my spine.

"N-not yet. He's helped me make breakfast, Papá. It's only fair he gets to eat some of it." I reply, my voice sounding cracked and dry. I take a sip of water.

Papá decided not to say anything else, which I considered a small victory. He grunts and sits down and forks a few pancakes for his plate. He immediately starts eating them, avoiding eye contact with Benji and I, who also do the same. Benji struggles to eat with his left hand, but he keeps on holding my hand and rubbing circles on them, which makes me fall for him a little bit more. He occasionally steals glances at me. I do the same back.

Mamá comes in and says nothing, which is even worse. She takes a look at the pancakes forks them too, placing them on her plate and saying nothing. Her eyes momentarily dart to the space between Benji and I, and I shift our held hands further under the table. The pressure in my chest increases. From the angle she was at, she wouldn't have seen our held hands anyway, but I'm still so terrified.

"Pancakes! I love pancakes!"

I hear Adrian's voice before I see him rushing towards the table. My little brother is a morning person like I am, and nobody can wake up after him because of how loud he is. Adrian grabs a few pancakes with his bare hands to place on his plate. I give a small smile at him in amusement. His energetic presence lifts the mood of the entire table.

When he's done drenching his plate with as much honey as possible, Adrian looks up at Benji and I. "Oh, hi Victor's friend! What's your name? I forgot!"

Benji smiles and replies, "Hi, I'm Benji. I was at Victor's 16th, remember?"

"Oh yeah! You were with that other boy and you kissed didn't you? Do bandmates normally kiss each other?"

Mamá looks up from her pancakes. Benji grins at Adrian's naivety and shakes his head. "No, not quite, he _was_ my boyfriend, at that time." He explains, clearly enunciating the 'was'.

Adrian scrunches his eyebrows, in deep thought and then shrugs, "I didn't know boys could date other boys. Cool!"

Papá's and Mamá's wear expressions of hot, intense stares directed at Benji, but he doesn't say a word, or pretend that their glares bothered him. He attempts to use the side of his fork to cut a small piece of pancake and eat it, when he succeeds, he grins at me triumphantly. I weakly smile back at him and squeeze his hand again, as if to say that I approved of what he said.

Pilar is the last to sit down on the table. She doesn't even touch the pancakes. Her arms are folded and she's glaring at everyone on this table, even Adrian, who didn't deserve it at all. My sister is the only one in this family who has the guts to start a difficult conversation, so I know as soon as she opens her mouth, the worst minutes of my life would begin.

"Have you even told Adrian that you two are separating yet?" Pilar immediately declares. There's a small pause as my parents decide what to say. Cutlery clatters as Mamá puts down her knife and fork.

"Wait, what?" Adrian says.

"Nothing, _chico_ , go back to eating your pancakes." Papá replies.

"Can we not discuss this right now, Pilar?" Mamá snaps, annoyance in her voice.

"I think Adrian should know, seeing that he's also your son and you're uprooting our lives, once again. So who's moving out?"

"We haven't talked about that yet, _mija._ I wasn't going to tell Adrian because right now we don't have the money for either of us to live somewhere else." Mama's voice feels constricted and tight.

"So you are going to keep on pretending that you two still love each other in front of Adrian? He's smarter than you think, you know! He'll see right through it!" Pilar yells, disbelief all over her face.

"Pila-"

"Do you even love us?" Pilar says, her raised voice cutting off Papá's. "Were we all mistakes? I mean, Victor certainly was, you probably wouldn't be together if it was for him!"

My jaw clenches, as I hold back any retort or reply. I get that Pilar is upset, but that just _hurts._ Benji gives my hand a squeeze.

" _Pilar Camilla Salazar!_ How dare you! Apologise to Victor right now!" Mamá cries out.

"Pilar, that's such a nasty thing to say to Victor. Of course we love him!" Papá angrily retorts.

"Really?" Pilar turns her head to face me. I don't look her in the eyes. "You didn't look or sound like you did when Victor told them you he was gay."

"Victor is gay?" Adrian's small voice squeaks in surprise. I want to tell him to leave the table and eat in his room, because he doesn't deserve to see this, but every time my mouth opens to interrupt and defuse the conversation, nothing comes out.

Mamá shakes his head at Adrian. "He's not _gay_ , mijo , he's just confused."

"What?" Benji and Pilar say at the same time. I look at Mamá in disbelief.

" _Escucha a tu madre_ , she has a point." Papá says.

Mamá looks between Benji and I again. I feel a chill crawl down my spine and I quickly untangle my hand from his, giving him an apologetic look. Benji weakly smiles at me. I really hope he understands. I guess part of me still wants to make them happy, and that part doesn't want to hold Benji's hand. I'm so sorry, Benji. I'm so, so scared to do anything _like that_ when Mamá and Papá were looking at me _like that_.

"It's not natural." Mamá declares, "It's this _joto's_ fault for putting these ideas in your head."

My face heats up and the nerves in my brain feel like a million underwater bombs detonating. The weight on my chest increases even more, as the guilt eats me up for not being able to even hold Benji's hand underneath the table. How _dare_ she call him that.

"Mrs Salazar, please don't call me that," Benji says sternly, disgust over his face. Pilar glares at Mamá. "I know what that means."

"Your confusing my son!" Her stern demeanor has evaporated to an exasperated expression. "This isn't you, Victor!"

"I'm not confused, _Mamá_ ! I'm the least confused I've ever been! I know who I am! Like you said, _joto!_ I'm one of them! _I'm-I'm_ gay!" I burst out. The table is quiet for a few seconds. That was the second time I said it in front of them. I can see from the corner of my eye that Benji is giving me a small assuring smile. I can't even explain how good it is that he's here. Mamá and Papá look like I've slapped then in the face. Pilar is still glaring at everyone and Adrian looks like he's about to cry.

"He shouldn't be in this house, Victor! We don't want him influencing Adrian! He's already flowery as it is!" Papá cries out, redirecting the argument and _completely_ missing the point.

"I want to go back into my room." Adrian says quietly. Everyone on the table looks at him.

"Go, Adrian." I reply shakily, nodding reassuringly. My brother runs off to his bedroom.

Pilar shoots Papá a glare. "Why did you have to say that!" Papá doesn't reply. He looks slightly ashamed with himself.

"Mr Salazar, with all due respect, it doesn't work like that. We're born gay. We don't become gay." Benji adds, steel in his voice.

Mamá scoffs. "Sorry, but we just don't believe that. The purpose of life is to raise a family, something that you will never be able to do if you carry on with this...this lifestyle, Victor!"

"We just want you to live a happy life!" Papa cries out, "And whatever happened with Mia, _flaco_? You two were perfect together!"

I look at Papá incredulously, as if he had grown a second head. He didn't understand whatsoever. "No. No we really weren't, because I don't like girls! I've tried to like girls! I've tried and tried so hard to but I just can't!" My voice starts to break and my eyes are watering in disbelief and anguish. In the corner of my eyes, I can see the conflicted emotions on Benji's face. He's crossed his arms, but his hands are twitching. I know he wants to hold me and make me feel _safe,_ but if he touches me, I think I might start to cry.

"Every time I'm not honest to myself, I end up making my life miserable and hurt others in the process! I hurt Mia and it's all my fault!" I continue, Pilar looks at me and opens her mouth to say something. She closes it and looks at me pitifully.

"M-Maybe she's just not the right girl for you, maybe you just need to find a better match, Victor! Not...this!" Mamá's in tears. I can't believe she's crying. How dare she cry when she's being so cruel? I'm at a loss for words.

"You're the same mom! You and dad don't even love each other anymore! When you both pretended that you still did, mom had an affair and we had to uproot our lives and move to a different state!" Pilar yells.

"That's completely different! Whatever you have with...this!" Papá defensively declares. He gestures his hand in front of Benji and I, "This is never going to last!" 

"What you're becoming isn't natural!" Mamá looks at me pleadingly. I look back at her in disbelief. "Your _Padre_ and I talked yesterday and think we should all go to the local church and ask for guidance on how to fix your lifestyle!"

"They can help you heal Victor!" Papá adds.

"I don't need healing! I need your acceptance!" I shakily reply.

"We don't accept you then, Victor!" Mamá shouts. "And if you keep up this...lifestyle, I never will!"

I'm speechless again. Benji and Pilar give Mamá sour looks. Even Papá looks slightly uncomfortable with what Mamá said. Part of me expected something like this, but it's different when it actually happens. I just didn't expect it to _hurt_ this bad. I feel like a child being told off for a wrongdoing, not someone who's just shared his deepest darkest secret to his family. My heart feels like it's being squeezed with a vice. Why would Mamá even say that?

**BANG!**

Pilar slams the table and stands up. She glares at my parents.

"I can't stand you two any longer! Preaching about God and guidance when one of you cheated! You're also separating! You're both fucking pathetic!" Pilar leaves the table and quickly storms off into her room. A few moments later, an angry Billie Eilish song blares throughout the house.

I shoot up from the table. "I've lost my appetite." My voice begins to break. "I'm going for a walk. I have work in the afternoon so don't expect me back until seven."

"I'm going with him." Benji also stands up, his hand brushes with mine, but I flinch and move my hand away. Benji looks visibly upset now. Fuck. I'm so sorry Benji. I just can't right now. I can't break down now.

I place Adrian's fork in his plate and pick it up. I need to see how he's doing because my parents were too busy yelling at me and Benji to notice how upset their youngest son was. They're shouting at each other now. As usual. I walk to his room, Benji follows me.

* * *

My baby brother is sat on his bed, looking at the book I borrowed from the library for him. He's not reading it; he's flicking through the pages in disinterest. I sit next to him and pat his back. Benji stands at the doorway, his arms crossed, looking softly at me.

"Hey _flaco_ , I brought you your pancakes." I force myself to smile at him.

Adrian takes the plate and smiles back at him, the same forced smile that I have.

"Everything's going to be alright, okay?" I ruffle his hair and grab his book. "No reading _Percy Jackson_ when you're eating, yeah?"

"Yeah." Adrian replies. "Thanks Victor."

"No worries." I say, I force a smile at him again and walk to my room. Benji places his hand on my back as I pass him and I instinctively lean closer to him. He gently smiles at me. I break of the contact as we enter my room. The place where Benji's hand was feels warm.

Iimmediately start packing my bag. My wallet, my keys get tossed in there, along with my work uniform and laptop. Benji sits on the edge of the bed and pulls out his phone to answer a text message but keeps on glancing up at me.

I also grab a charger. Simon may have replied. I need his wise words so much right now. I put on his jacket for strength, reminding myself of New York and how free I know I can be when I go to college.

 _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry,_ I tell myself.

I just need to hold it in for a bit longer until I was alone. I curse under my breath when the zip of the bag gets stuck in the work shirt I hastily threw in. I attempt to force the zip to close, but after a few tries I give up and sit down in my bed. Benji sits next to me and fixes the zip. A single tear falls down my face and I quickly wipe it away. My body feels like it's burning and freezing at the same time.

"Hey. Talk to me, Victor."

I give a shaky laugh. "I couldn't even hold your hand in front of them." I then wipe a few more tears from my face. Fuck. Why was I crying? I promised myself I wouldn't. "I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I was." I confess.

"It's fine." Benji replies, "I'm sorry that you're in a shit situation."

"Are we okay?" I move the bag between us and scoot closer to Benji. I take his hand in mine. Benji rests his forehead on my shoulder.

"Yeah. We're okay. I'm just angry at myself that I tried to hold your hand in front of them when you weren't ready." Benji answers. "I'm also angry that you have to go through this."

"I'm angry that I didn't say anything when my mom called you... _that_." I confess back. "I'm sorry that I'm not ready."

Benji shakes his head. "No, don't be, if you're not ready, you're not ready. And I've been called worse. Don't worry."

I sigh. "I wish I stood up for you more though. It really wasn't cool my mom called you that."

"It's okay Victor. You were really brave today already." Benji smiles and squeezes my hand.

"I wanted to be ready for you though. That's what you deserve."

"You need to be ready for yourself first, Victor." Benji retorts. We both look at each other and he wipes a tear falling from my face. "Can I hug you?"

"Please." My voice shakes as Benji pulls me into a hug. I grab onto him tightly. I then find myself sobbing on his shoulder. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed that I can't hold Benji's hand, I'm ashamed that I made Mamá cry. I'm ashamed that I'm gay. I'm ashamed that part of me is still ashamed that I'm gay.

In what seems like an eternity, Benji rocks me slightly and cards his fingers through my hair. At that moment, I feel glad that I have someone like Benji holding me.

"Benji, you're so amazing." I mutter when I've stopped crying. "You're so, so, so amazing."

This amazing boy holding me doesn't reply, but instead kisses my forehead, and then envelops me in his strong arms again. We stay like that for another eternity. I notice that Benji smells like my deodorant, which makes me all fuzzy inside.

"I think we should go." I say, breaking off the hug. Benji nods and grabs our stuff. "I don't want to be here any longer.

"Yeah." Benji passes me my bag and we walk back into the living room. I'm still holding his hand, but he lets go as we approach the door. I feel a pang of pain across my chest, but I smile at Benji for understanding. 

* * *

"I told you, I didn't mean to say it that way, Armando!"

"This is why the kids don't respect you anymore, Isabel! You say the first thing that comes to your mind!"

"Victor, I-" Mamá cries, when she sees me. I shake my head to cut her off. I don't want either of them to talk to me. I'm done with all this. I'm just done.

"I'll see you later." I say, as Benji and I leave. 

When the door closes, Benji pulls me in for a quick hug. I smile at him as a thanks. He then cocks his head and asks,

"Do you want me to stay with you at the cafe? I can cancel work for you, if you want."

I shake my head and reply, "Thanks, you don't need to though. I don't want you to get into trouble with work."

"It's honestly alright, I don't really like the other Brass Town that much. The girl I'm working with doesn't clean up properly so I end up doing her job."

"That must be such a pain."

"Her latte art's much better than yours though." Benji teases.

I raise my eyebrows and look at him incredulously. "Hey! My meatballs are brilliant!"

"Sure, but who would want meatballs on their drink?" Benji replies.

"I dunno, Italian people!" Benji chuckles and I feel all fuzzy inside again.

We walk in a comfortable quiet as we approach the double doors, until I add,

"I'd like it if you skipped work and came to our Brass Town."

"Me too." Benji adds. "I just need to quickly run home and get some clothes and school stuff."

Benji's phone pings. He pulls it out of his pocket and raises his eyebrows.

"Ah. My dad's arrived. He's kinda lost though, I'll have to go find where he is."

"Great, let's get outside." I say. I'm not entirely happy that Benji is leaving. I know it's temporary and he'll be back soon, but I kinda don't want him to leave my side. 

We've walked down the first flight of stairs when we hear Felix walking up the second, talking to Lake. I turn around to see that he's still in his prom outfit, minus his jacket. Lake is in tow. She notices Benji and squints, but doesn't say anything.

"Oh, hey Benji! I didn't expect you to be here!"

"Hey." Benji answers back, waving at the two of them.

Felix looks at me and says, "Victor. I've been trying to call you, but your phone kept ending the call. I got so worried last night. I thought you were kidnapped or something."

I grin and huff. Felix's is always so quirky.

"Well, I'm here in one piece, so I've not been kidnapped. I didn't charge my phone last night, sorry." I reply.

Felix shakes his head. "I hate it when that happens." He looks up and scrunches his face. "I also tried reaching your walkie-talkie, but I'd need CIA grade technology to communicate with you from Lake's house."

"You were at Lake's house?"

Felix snaps out of his wandering mind and says, "Ah, yeah! Lake and I are back together baby!" He snaps his fingers and does the finger guns.

"Oh, that's great!" I reply. Wow. I'm happy for Felix. He deserves the world. Wonder what happened with Wendy though. And Lake complicates the Mia situation, like, a lot.

"You and Mia were named Spring Fling king and queen, by the way." Lake adds, "I have your Olive Garden tickets, if you want them. They were supposed to give them to you on stage, but you know, you two kinda disappeared somewhere. A lot of people are wondering what happened."

"So we came to your house first thing in the morning to ask you what happened." Felix adds. 

"I see." I sigh, scratching the back of my neck. "Can we go to Brass Town? I kinda need to open up. We can talk there. It's kind of a long story."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will have all the Felix and Victor feels. They're long due for a conversation.  
> I still don't think I'm writing Benji well, I feel like some of the dialogue I've written down doesn't suit him. To be honest I don't think I'm writing Victor well either. Feel free to constructively criticize me. Tell me how you think Benji and Victor would talk and stuff. I'm planning to have lots of Venji interactions. A LOT.
> 
> Also, I've formatted the previous chapters, so they should be easier to read!  
> Furthermore, I've also been messing around with adding images to this story to spruce it up a bit! Chapter 1 has now got images instead of written text conversations! Go check it out! Tell me what you think! (For those who have difficulty loading the images, the messages will also be typed down on the notes at the end of the chapter.)
> 
> Also, if you want a sneak peak of what's going to happen next chapter, look at the images on my Flickr page! (https://www.flickr.com/photos/189178255@N08/)
> 
> Please comment! It really makes my day! Like Benji said, "Cheer for my band [this chapter], I'm very insecure." (pretty please)
> 
> But anyway, stream BLACKPINK guys, and have a nice day! Good vibes everyone! ❤️


	4. Episode 1: Back to Brasstown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously on No, Not Nothing:  
> Victor and Benji wake in the same bed after a turbulent night for both of them.  
> Pancake time.  
> Victors' parents aren't that accepting.  
> ("We don't accept you then, Victor!" Mamá shouts. "And if you keep up this...lifestyle, I never will!")  
> Lake and Felix find Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. nearly 7k this time. And it's been 84 years since I've uploaded anything. Wow.  
> Sorry for the longest wait guys. I've just had personal issues to deal with, and I never got around to actually posting this chapter. I promise that the next chapter (which will actually be posted as a different story) will be up soon.  
> This chapter has images. Text convo with Simon is pasted on the end notes just incase Flickr decide to screw things up.  
> I snuck in a Taylor Swift reference. Cookies for those who figure out what it is. I honestly don't know what it is either...it's been a while since I actually wrote this.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter! Please comment! It does wonders for my self confidence! Massive paragraphs much appreciated!☺️☺️
> 
> And thank you to lovevictorstan69 and maria stark for you encouragement. I'm so sorry you had to wait that long 😖😖😖

The car journey is filled with a comfortable ambience. There's beads of water dripping down on the window I'm looking through; it began to drizzle as soon as we got in the car. The window's started to get all fogged up. I'm glad I wore Simon's jacket. It's really cold this Saturday.

It's still early in the morning too, so there weren't many cars going to this part of town. No traffic jams, nothing. Felix has one of his KPop songs quietly playing, he's singing along softly too and he's actually not that bad either. The way he sings it makes me realise that Korean sounds kinda soothing. Lake is quietly scrolling through her phone, her face morphing into 20 different expressions per minute, double tapping all the Instagram posts of all her mutuals.

I think about the day ahead of me and how I can maximise the time avoiding my parents. I'm just worried that they might not let me back in the house. When I was doing a bit of research, I read somewhere online about a gay kid who was kicked out and that story really freaked me out. They had to sleep in rundown motels and leave school to work full time to support themselves. There is a real possibility that that could be me. 

I hope it isn't me.

Maybe it will be. 

Maybe I'll become homeless by the end of this week.

_That's slightly morbid, Victor._

I shiver in discomfort and shift around in my seat. I hate that my mind does this. It always wanders off to the worst case scenarios and tries to invent worser cases.

But if the worst case is the only case, I think I have enough money to last a few months in a decent motel. I'll also be earning more money this month, as I'm working longer shifts this week because it's Spring Break. I've been filling in for Benji's absence too.

It had been kinda lonely ever since Benji transferred.

I sometimes work alone, but sometimes I pair up with Sarah or this girl Haley. Haley's...kinda shy and she doesn't talk that much. Then there's Sarah, who talks too much. She will have a 10 minute conversation with everyone who comes in the shop.

I really miss the connection Benji and I had, the way we kinda could read each other's minds and make jokes about everything to pass the time. Haley doesn't joke around and Sarah's sense of humor would be funny if I understood the references she makes. Without Benji around, the cafe feels...off. I really miss working with him.

Sarah's been training me to replace him, but she's not had enough time to really properly explain anything, as our shared shifts are always the busiest. She sometimes has to abandon me in the middle of explaining things to deal with a customer. It's okay though, I managed to figure it out myself, but wow, it is the most boring thing I've ever done.

I don't know how Benji did this without wanting to gouge out his eyeballs.

I fish out my phone from the jacket and check if any notifications have come through. I see none. Simon still hasn't replied to me, which really sucks. I need his advice right about now. It also kind of sucks I never got the numbers of his flatmates or Bram's, because they know what I'm going through and probably could dish out some much needed advice. I try to message Bram, but his Instagram account is private. I'll have to request a follow and wait until he accepts it, which could take forever.

So, I send Simon another message. I hope that he sees it soon.

Lake has stopped scrolling down her phone. I can see through the mirror that she's frowning.

"Victor, are you looking at what they're talking about on Twitter?"

I scrunch my face in confusion. "No, why?" I quickly switch from Instagram to Twitter.

My eyes widen in surprise. There's so many photos of last night under the #SPRINGFLING20 hashtag. The most liked photo is of Felix and Lake kissing on the stage. But then my heart stops when I see the photo of Mia and Andrew.

I tap the tweet to read comments properly and a wave of disgust and anger floods my mind. How could people say that about her? Why couldn't they leave Mia alone? Did they not have anything else to do then dogpile on her? I feel so guilty about this. It's all my fault. If I hadn't ruined last night by kissing Benji, again, Mia would have never left home with Andrew and this stupid photo would have never been taken. You can't see that Mia had been crying. It's just the backs of her and Andrew holding each other in a seemingly more-than-friends way, and the 20 million assumptions that came with it.

Fuck. I can't really imagine how Mia must be feeling right now. If it was a photo of me and Benji I don't think I would have been able to come back to school next term.

Fuck.

"Everyone's saying that Mia cheated on you with Andrew. Did she?" Lake asks, breaking my attention from the phone screen.

I look at her incredulously. "No? Why would you even say that?" 

I'm slightly shocked that she would even assume that.

"I'm just covering all the bases here, Victor. I didn't want that to be true either." Lake responds matter-of-factly. 

"Look…" I take a deep breath and shake my head. I didn't want to tell Lake right now what happened. I never wanted to talk about it ever. But the truth is gonna get out there eventually. Better she hears it from me than Mia or Twitter.

"Look, the truth is, Mia was crying and left early. Andrew took her because Mia was upset that I..." I pause. "That I kissed Benji."

Lake's eyebrows raise and she blinks several times.

"Wow." Is all Lake replies with.

"Wow." She repeats again. Felix stays silent, which makes Lake turn around and say, "You knew about this?"

"Er…" There's panic in Felix's eyes, he blinks a few times to re-focus himself on driving the car.

"No…" I pause, "Yes. He knew about the first time we-"

"The first time?"

"You kissed Benji again?"

Felix and Lake say at the same time. They look at each other. Lake shakes her head in disbelief. I can see that her eyebrows shoot up in realization.

"Oh. My. God. It was so obvious! Ever since Mia tried to get in your pants you've been acting out weird!"

I involuntarily scrunch my face.

"Look Lake, I never meant for this to happen like it did." I explain. "I'm so sorry that-"

Lake cuts me off. "No Victor, save it. I'm not the person you need to apologise to. I don't know everything that's going on with you, but I do know you're kind of an asshole for cheating on Mia."

I look out at the window, I can't look at Lake's or even Felix's face right now. "Lake, how...how do I even apologise to her? I know that "I'm sorry" doesn't even cut it. What can I even do to fix this?"

Lake sighs. "You know that tweet on the Creeksecrets Twitter is probably going to destroy her social life? The people on there are absolutely ruthless. Once they smell blood, all of them come your way. I don't think you'll be able to fix that."

No words leave my mouth. A wave of guilt washes through me.

_What have you done, Victor Salazar?_

We don't really say anything else after that. There really isn't anything else to say. I screwed up. So. Royally. Lake quickly texts someone and then puts her phone away, crossing her arms. She's looking out the window and I can see from the reflection of the glass that her face is painted with disappointment. Felix has turned off his music, carefully watching Lake, the road and I, unsure about what to say. I then realise that I may have screwed up. Fuck. I'm so stupid. I may have put a wedge between his and Lake's relationship because of my stupid mistake.

I look outside the window again as Felix's car approaches the familiar streets near Brass Town, Felix declares, "We're here."

"Can you quickly drive me to Mia's, Felix? It's not too far from here." Lake says. She's checking her phone. "I'm...worried about Mia, I need to check that she's okay. If she went home with Andrew..." Lake tapers off, but Felix and I look at each other quizzically.

"What do you mean by that, Lake?"

"It's nothing." Lake dismisses my question. She then sighs. "Mia and Andrew...have history. They used to be really close." Lake sees my reaction from the mirror, she shakes her head. "This is before you were in the picture."

"Oh." I say. I'm silent for a few seconds. I don't know how to feel about what Lake just said. 

At least Mia isn't a cheater like me.

"I'm going to go now. See you." I say quietly, grabbing my bag from the opposite seat. As I open the door and slide out of the car, Lake turns around and places a hand on my shoulder. She's looking at me directly. I avoid her eyes. "Look Victor...I'll try my best to fix things between you two, but don't be surprised if Mia never wants to talk to you again."

"Okay." I grimace. Lake lets go of me and I step out of the car.

"Hey, Victor? I'll come back after I've dropped Lake off, okay?" Felix says to me. I give him a thumbs up and a half smile. "Cool."

I close the car door as Felix waves me a temporary goodbye. Lake gives me a weak smile.

* * *

When Felix's car turns around the corner, I then realise that this is the first time I'm alone today. 

I walk silently to the back entrance of the shop and fish out my keys from Simon's jacket. I'd been delegated the job of opening up most days of this week; I had asked for longer shifts during Spring Break. I thank my past self for asking Sarah that.

The shop is too quiet. The bad kind of quiet. It always feels strange when there isn't any music playing or caffeine addicts talking amongst themselves. It kinda puts me on edge. I hang my bag and jacket in the backroom and quickly change shirts. There's a small coffee stain on the back of my work shirt. I forgot to put it in the washing machine yesterday. Great. Another thing not going to plan today, on top of all the shitty things that have happened.

It takes me about 5 tries to boot up the computer in the backroom. Sarah does this thing where her passwords are mostly special characters like / or ^. What makes logging into the computer even more frustrating is that I can't see what I'm typing, as it's an old PC that doesn't have that "show password" option.

After I bring out some of the refrigerated foods and place them in their displays, I find myself yawning. I don't know why I'm so tired. I slept like a baby next to Benji. I'll make myself a coffee. Should wake me up, God knows I need it.

The coffee machine, however, decides not to cooperate. The old man from Willacoochee replaced the portafilter slot with a slightly smaller one, meaning the portafilter wouldn't fit into the slot as easily as it used to. It's frustrating, but manageable. Sarah had figured out that you had to angle it slightly and **then** slide it in.

I try 4 or 5 times. None succeed. All attempts end up with me spilling some ground up powder on the counter. Just my day.

On the last attempt, I give up and throw the portafilter on the counter. There's fine powder of coffee beans everywhere, which I'll have to clean up. 

I grimace and clench my teeth. I can't deal with this right now. I storm into the backroom. My hands are shaking again as I slide down to the floor, my hands rubbing up and down my shins. Why does everything not want to work out today? Stupid coffee machine.

The backroom is too small. I didn't notice that until now. It's almost suffocating. I feel like I'm in a prison cell wearing those straightjackets you always see in the movies. No escape. I feel like I'm strapped down to a chair in this tiny cell, watching a projection of the past hour of my life unfold again and again.

_We don't accept you then, Victor!_

The disappointment on Mamá's face then switches to the reactions of my abuelos. It's my 16th birthday party again, but instead of abuelo seeing Benji and Derek kiss, it's me and Benji. Abuela is crying, sobbing out, "¿Cómo te atreves a hacerle esto a tu familia?", while abuelo is yelling out how "deshonroso" y "repugnante" I am. I can see Mia, in her silver prom dress, standing there in the kitchen with Lake. Lake shakes her head disappointedly, and holds Mia as she sobs into the other's shoulder. 

"How dare you do this to her, Victor?" Lake says, pointing angrily at me.

She's got all the right to be angry. I'm the one she trusted, her rock in all the shit she was going through, who turned out to be a cheater and a liar and a selfish bastard who only cared about doing what he wanted. 

Making excuses instead of telling her the truth.

Spending the night in Willacoochee because I wanted to be with Benji. 

Kissing Benji on that stupid bench. 

Why did I always fuck up everything?

There's no-one to distract me from my own mind. I feel on the edge. On the edge of every single emotion known to anybody. I want to cry, but my eyes are dry. I want to scream, but my voice is hoarse. I want to crush something in my hands, but how could I when those hands were shaking and shaking and shaking?

Benji isn't here to help me. To hold my hand. To give me words of advice, because he knows what I'm feeling. He always does. I really, really miss him. He makes me feel so safe and understood. I miss his dumb smiles that made me want to kiss him on the lips. His tight t-shirts that showed off everything in the right places. The way he struts around in those tight pants like he's on a runway. His flowing hair and the smell of the cologne he uses.

A tsunami of crushing guilt floods through me as I remember the way I had said goodbye to him. I had made it so, so awkward. I had wanted to hug him again so bad. But then I quickly backed out of it as soon as I realised Lake was there. Benji's eyes were full of understanding, but there wasn't any light in them. I then had to go and make it even worse and gave him the most awkward fistbump before walking off.

I just didn't want Lake to get the impression that I had just thrown Mia away and quickly moved onto someone else. It wasn't like that at all. I hope Benji understands.

Why can't I do anything right? Family. Mia. Benji. _I_

_'m such a screw up._

I guess the part of me that's filled with regret, is the 15 year old Victor Salazar from Texas. That Victor Salazar wishes for a time machine to erase all the mistakes he's made in Georgia. That part of me wishes to erase ever coming out to my family last night. 

But another part of me knows that I couldn't live a lie anymore.

That part of me wishes to erase ever meeting Mia, because she didn't deserve someone as cruel and selfish like me.

But another part of me loves her, and can't imagine a world where we're not friends.

Victor Salazar from Texas wants to force himself back into hiding and denial and self loathing. Pretend that he's normal. Pretend that he likes Mia the way his parents want him to. Pretend that he doesn't have feelings for a cute barista boy.

But the Victor Salazar who visited New York and found out that it's okay to be himself, that it's okay to want what he wants, screams out:

**BENJI**

And just like that, all the barriers that kept me at the edge break down. A few tears fall down my face. My heart feels like a scrunched up piece of paper as it aches and waves of hurt crash though my body.

I've never felt this way about anyone. I'm so, so terrified of what I'm feeling.

Why can't it just be simple? Why couldn't I have hugged Benji earlier?

I feel insane. I don't know why my body aches for his arms to wrap around me so much. I miss him so, so much. I should have asked him to take me to his house so that I wouldn't have to wait for him to come back, to wait for him to be here.

A few more tears fall down my face until I hear that there's knocking on the shop door. It's either a really early customer, or Felix. I force myself to stop shaking and stand up, fishing the keys out of my pocket. My lungs pull and push out the air inside them, giving myself the oxygen to breathe and just pretend that whatever just happened didn't happen.

It's alright. 

It's fine. 

Everything's fine.

I could do this. I've got this. My mind feels like it's been switched on autopilot, awake, but no longer thinking. Just...doing. I put my apron on and wipe my tears away with my hand. Mechanically, I walk to the front door and open it. Each step feels like a pre-programmed set of instructions, determined for me by someone else, so that I wouldn't have to think. I wouldn't have to feel anything. Maybe it's better of that way.

"Hey." Felix's comforting face meets my eyes as I open the door.

"Hey." I reply, I try to give him a quick smile, but it falters when I notice that he's staring directly into my eyes.

His warm expression scrunches up as he furrows his eyebrows and declares, "You've been crying."

I quickly look away because Felix's intense stare is way too much. I can see that Felix's eyebrows furrow even more. Not good.

"Yeah...yeah I have." I respond lamely. 

Felix steps inside the cafe and closes the door. He gives a grimace and raises his arms and pulls me into a hug. I hesitate for a second but then I wrap my arms around his back. Felix gently pats my back and lets go of me "I felt like you needed that, Victor."

"Yeah...thanks, Felix."

"Sorry for leaving you on your own. I should have made Lake take a Lyft or Uber."

"It's alright." I reply. My mind still feels disconnected from my body, but Felix is slowly reeling it back in. I'm so lucky to have someone like him as a friend.

"What happened?" Felix asks.

"Can you tell me how you and Lake get back together?" I deflect.

Felix nods in understanding and cocks his head towards the nearest table. We both sit down. Felix relaxes in his seat, leaning back, hands behind his head, smiling at himself.

"So you saw that photo of us kissing in front of everyone on the Creekwood Twitter, didn't you?" His eyes are practically glowing and puppy-like. I've never seen him this happy.

"Yeah. Yeah I did." I grin and say, "I'm happy that Lake wanted everyone to know you two were together."

I slightly frown and look away as I trail off, remembering not hugging Benji. A wave of hurt crashes into me. I fiddle with my hands as I let Felix steer the conversation.

"I feel so...tingly and so...warm!" Felix adds, his tense shoulders relaxing. "Like, I never thought that she would go on stage and confesses to everyone that she's in love with me and it was so, so, so perfect!"

I smile weakly as I let Felix ramble on. Part of me wanders off, thinking about Benji.

"...and she was wearing this perfume that smelled like roses. Wow. She always smells so nice." Felix pauses, "Not saying that I always sniff her. It's just that I can still smell her perfume on my clothes." Felix turns his head and sniffs his right arm pit. Then he sniffs the left and makes a disgusted expression. "Hmmm. I probably should have changed shirts though. My shirt smells of roses and B.O."

I snort in amusement. Felix's grin gets wider. He leans forward, elbows on the table, "And she even used a bit of tongue too when we were on that stage," he looks around like the shop is full of customers and whispers, "I'm so glad I wore really tight underwear because I had a massive-"

My eyebrows shoot up to the ceiling.

Woah. Too much information. Wayyyy too much.

Felix notices that my face has turned beetroot red. He laughs sheepishly.

"Ah, don't worry Victor, Lake dealt with it afterwards, I don't have one now, obviously. That would be kinda weird." He frowns as he realizes what he's just said. I can see the gears in his head working overtime. "Not saying that being gay is weird or anything, that's not what I meant, I…" Felix furrows his eyes in confusion as his own mind processes the words that escape his mouth. "...I just don't have a boner right now because I'm...not attracted to you?"

Then there's that awkward moment of silence where we both look at each other in confusion. I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Then we both burst out laughing. 

It takes us a few minutes to regain our composure. Every time I stopped laughing and looked up at Felix, he would start laughing louder again and then that would set me off again.

I can't believe he said that!

"Thanks. I needed that." I say, shaking my head and catching my breath. Felix gives me a happy smile.

"You don't need to tell me the details, just a yes or no, but did you guys...you know..."

I make a crude expression with my hands.

It's Felix's turn to turn red. He shakes his head. "We just cuddled after doing...stuff. I'm glad we didn't because Lake's mom walked in on us just cuddling."

"Isn't Lake's mom a TV presenter?"

"Yeah she is." Felix frowns and then shrugs. "Let's just say she's very... intense."

"What happened?" I ask.

"Nothing much. She just said she wanted to have dinner with me and Lake."

"That's good. Do you think she approves?"

"I think she's on the fence. She's only met me once." Felix shrugs. "At least we weren't...you know, when she walked in."

I smirk. "Yeah that would have been wayy more awkward."

Felix huffs. We both settle in a comfortable silence. I look down at my hands again and sigh. I'm really jealous about Felix and Lake. I don't know how they could be so public. It terrifies me to even think of hugging Benji in school. I wish I were as confident as Benji is with his sexuality.

Felix breaks the silence. "Hey, enough about me. I could go on for days and days about Lake, I'll stop now before I tell you too much." I laugh and shake my head. Felix's voice softens slightly. "What happened last night, Victor? Do you wanna talk about it?"

A sharp barb of pain pierces my skin and sends waves of hurt though my entire body. I take a shaky breath. "I...I came out to my parents. They didn't take it well."

Felix's eyes widen. "Woah. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay." I say unconvincingly. I'm less than okay generally, but right now I feel okay-ish. "I'm just worried about what's going to happen next. I feel like they might...kick me out."

Felix scoots his chair closer to the table. "What did they say to you that makes you think that?"

"My mom told me that she'll…she'll never accept me for the way I am." God, even saying that hurts. "Parents don't like Benji either. He ended up crashing at my place and he stayed with me when I talked to my parents about...you know."

Felix nods. "Yeah. I'm glad Benji was there for you, Victor."

"I'm glad he was there."

"Does he make you happy?" Felix asks. I smile as the memory of making pancakes with him flashes through my mind.

"Yeah. He does." I sigh and look away. "He's too good for me, Felix. He's kind and patient and sweet and..."

Felix vigorously shakes his head. "Don't be like that! You're amazing too! You just can't see it in yourself!"

"Tell that to my parents." I bitterly respond.

Felix is silent for a moment. 

"I'm really sorry your parents reacted like that. That's really shitty of them." Felix folds his arms and looks through the window, "I didn't really expect them to be like that."

I laugh dryly. "I guess you never know people. Even if you know them your entire life."

"Yeah. It really sucks."

"You know Felix, I feel like they thought they had a good idea of who I am, and everytime I do something that they don't think is me, they freak out. Do you get me?"

"Kinda. The worst thing is when they judge you for it without getting to know that part of you."

I nod to reply. I don't think I have the energy to explain the rest of what I was feeling.

Felix leans closer to me, folding his arms on the table. "Look, I don't really know what to say Victor. But if your mom and dad actually kick you out...There's always a space on my couch. You're free to stay as long as you want in my house."

Felix looks at his hands and then chews on his lip, "But there something I need to tell you though. I should have told you this sooner."

"What is it?"

"My house is messy. Like really messy."

"Oh, that's fine, I don't mind. I can clean up-"

"No you don't understand...It's-" Felix pauses and thinks to himself. He's avoiding looking at my eyes. "My mom...she collects things and never throws them away. She doesn't want to let go of them either. So it builds up. And up." Felix's voice is lower, hushed and shakier than usual. I don't like it. It isn't...him.

"I never had any friends because I never let them come to my house." Felix confesses, the bright light in his eyes extinguished. He looks down on the table. "I've lost a few friends because of that."

I take a deep breath. I think to myself of what to say. I hate that he looks so hurt. "Felix, I would never judge you for something like that. You never treated me any differently since I came out to you...why shouldn't I do the same?"

He looks up and weekly. There's a little bit of light in his eyes again, but he still looks...distant. "Thanks. You and Lake are the only two people who know about...you know..." 

"Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you've told other people." I reply softly. Felix gives a small smile and leans back on his chair, his hands in his hair.

"You know, I'm really glad you moved in, Victor. It just felt like I had a proper home, you know. An actual family. It felt good." Felix confesses. He's looking up at the ceiling, avoiding my eyes.

"I never had siblings who wanted to play Monopoly with me, or parents who would cook hot meals for me, even if it wasn't their own kid."

I look away from Felix. I can't imagine a life without my family. I thought that we were mostly a normal family, being close and all, but I guess it's not the case for some people. I pang of guilt washes through me as I realise that I might not have that family dynamic anymore, not after what I did last night. 

"Victor, I think your parents will come around, you know. They just need time." A surge of hurt crashes through my body again at the mention of my parents, but this time there's a little bit of hope brought in by my best friends reassuring words. I stand up and step closer to where he's sat. "Hey, Felix?" I raise my arms.

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a hug?" I ask. Felix nods and stands up to properly hug me. I wrap my arms around him and I gently pat his back. Felix squeezes back once.

"I felt like you needed that."

"Thanks." Felix replies, digging his hands into his pockets.

"Thank you for telling me," I repeat again. "I promise I won't tell anybody."

"Thanks. It kinda feels better now that I've told you."

I smile as a reply. It's nice not to keep things to yourself.

I look back at the service counter. There's a few more things I need to put out. I also need to clean up the coffee bean spill. "I need to get the sandwiches out. You can stay here if you want, but Sarah might kill me if the shop's not set up by the time she comes."

"I could stay here the entire day here, if you want." Felix says. I smile softly at him and shake my head.

"Thanks. But you don't need to. Benji's offered to do that. I'm sure you have other things you want to do today." I appreciate the sentiment, but I felt like I'm wasting his day if I'd have said yes. He also needs to change out of his Spring Fling outfit.

"Are you sure you don't?" Felix asks again.

"I'll be okay."

Felix pauses to think and then states, "I'll go when Benji comes, okay?"

"Thanks." I feel like he's keeping me company so that I don't break down like I did a few minutes ago. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve Felix. He's too good for this world.

Felix fishes out his phone while I walk into the backroom to bring everything out. My mind wanders to the conversation in the car. Specifically the one about Mia and Andrew. In hindsight, it's very obvious that Andrew likes Mia. He'd get so salty in the locker rooms everytime one of our teammates would ask if me and Mia had done the deed. The increased passive-aggressiveness ever since Mia and I had started dating. The looks he would give her in class.

Then the question hits me. Why doesn't everyone know about Mia and Andrew? They are popular enough to be the "it" couple at school, so what had exactly happened between them?

This train of thought is giving me more questions than answers. I didn't really have the brain power today to deal with that. I try to think about something else. Like the fillings in the sandwiches that were delivered last night. Stock take said that there were thirty vegetarian sandwiches, but I could only count twenty. I frown as I place them on the counter. Where were the other ten?

I'm on the floor sweeping up my mess when I hear the door to the shop open. I immediately bob my head up, expecting the person to be Benji. It's just a customer though. I'm slightly disappointed. I smile at him regardless, he's a regular. I quickly walk into the backroom to place the sandwich tray back into the chiller.

"I'll have an Black Coffee, please." The man asks, "I didn't sleep properly last night. Too much work to do." He adds.

I give him my warmest smiles and start preparing a coffee for him. It only takes me one try to fit the portafilter this time. 

After the customer pays for his coffee and leaves, Felix walks up to the counter. I ask him, "And what would you like?"

"Can I get a cupcake?" He asks. I nod and bring out the cake tray from the back. I then tear the wrapping and place the tray in front of him. Felix has his wallet out, but I shake my head at him.

"My treat," I declare. "For dealing with me this morning."

Felix grins. "Don't worry about it. That's what friends are for. Thanks for the cupcake though." He grabs the chocolate one with the vanilla sprinkles. Menacingly, Felix grins at it as he peels off the wrapping.

Just as he's attempting to devour that poor cupcake, the café doors opens and Sarah walks in, with Benji in tow.

He's wearing his signature leather jacket, Brass Town t-shirt underneath and his signature tight black jeans. His hair's tidier than this morning. He looks good. Real good. And I can stop feeling guilty about looking at him like that now we're both more or less single. I don't think I'll be able to lay my eyes off him. I gulp. 

Victor Salazar, get yourself together.

I can feel my face slightly heats up. Sarah has a smirk on her face, which momentarily shifts to one of judgement when she sees Felix shovel the cupcake down his throat like an anaconda. Felix notices Sarah staring at her, so he gives her a thumbs up and a cupcake filled smile. Sarah's face morphs into disgust. I chuckle to myself.

Benji and I accidentally lock eye contact and he awkwardly looks away, blushing. My face heats up even more.

"Hey Sarah. Hey Benji." Everyone must have noticed how my voice went a few octaves up when I said Benji's name. 

"I transferred back." Benji says, smiling as he speaks. I can't help but smile back.

"You're being demoted." Sarah immediately declares. I shrug. Kind of expected it. I'm not really upset about it. The pay is only 50 cents higher. "I called the other Brass Town and told them to suck it. I won't let John steal my Benji."

She slaps Benji on the back, quite hard and yells, "Come on, get changed!"

Benji looks at Sarah in mild annoyance and shakes his head when he looks at me. I shrug at him.

"I guess you're stuck with me again." Benji jokes.

"Eh. It's not so bad." I reply. I try and fail to not follow him with my eyes as he struts into the backroom. Those jeans really fit him well. I don't like how tingly I feel right now. Benji turns around before he walks through the door and smiles at me. I smile back, looking away in embarrassment. I think things between us are okay. He doesn't seem to be mad that I didn't hug him earlier, thankfully.

Sarah mumbles something under her breath. I pick up the words _receipt_ and _Willacoochee._

"What?" I turn around to ask.

"Nothing." Sarah has a wide grin on her face. Before I can ask anything, she quickly adds, "Anyway, I'm going to go. I've had Benji take most of my shifts this week, so I won't be here in the shop this week, except on Friday. Keep this shop up and running, okay? Tip top condition! I'll come in on Thursday to see how everything's going!"

And with that Sarah sprints out of the shop and jumps into her car. She's gone before I can even realise that all my shifts this week were meant to be with her, meaning I'll be spending all my shifts with Benji instead. I can't help but smile to myself again. The thought of that makes me really happy. I've really missed working with him. Now I get basically a week with him.

Benji pops back out of the backroom wearing an apron and leans on the counter. We stare at each other for a few seconds before smiling at each other. I'm not really sure what to say to him, and I'm not sure what he wants to say to me. 

But then, the tension between us snaps in half when Felix walks up to the counter with an unusual stern look. He thrusts out his hand and stares at Benji, and then his hand. Benji looks at him with confusion, but then gets it and shakes Felix's hand.

"Welcome to the Salazar Family." Felix announces, voice is deeper than usual. He lets go of the handshake and glares at Benji. One hand is on his hips, the other is pointing menacingly at Benji. "As the unofficial fourth child of the Salazar family I expect you to treat Victor well. If you break his heart, I will fight you."

Felix's serious demeanour quickly fades away as he leans in and quietly says, "Please don't break his heart, I won't win the fight."

Benji and I look at each other and grin. I'm glad Felix approves of Benji. It means a lot to me.

"I promise not to." Benji says. He looks at me again and smiles warmly.

Felix grins and fishes out his car keys from his pockets. "Anyway, I'm going to go. Lake just texted me saying that she wants to go to this place called the Waffle House with me."

"That's nice," I say. "Enjoy your date."

"Maybe we could go on a double date sometime. I'm sure Lake wouldn't mind." Felix shrugs and then walks off, we wave at each other goodbye as he opens the door and slips outside.

I frown at myself. Felix's idea of a double date is unrealistic when I can't even hold Benji's hand in public. Benji notices that I'm slightly upset and places a hand on my shoulder and pulls me towards him.

It's just Benji and me in the shop now. I can feel my heart suddenly beat faster. "Hey. How are you feeling?" He asks gently.

"I feel a lot better. Thanks."

"Didn't expect Felix to do that, if I'm being honest."

"Me neither." 

Benji shakes his head, smiling. "He certainly has the flair for the dramatic." I nod in agreement.

"I told him about this morning. He said my parents will come though."

"I'm glad you talked to him." Benji replies. "And I hope they do."

I give him a slight smile. Not hugging him earlier is still in the forefront of my mind. "Look, Benji, about earlier, I-"

"It's alright. I get it. I was like that at first with...you know." Benji grimaces. "I understand. It just takes time getting used to when the world expects you to do that with girls and not guys."

"Yeah. I guess," I look away and add, "I'm still sorry though."

Benji shakes his head. He then takes my hands in his. "It's okay. Baby steps, Victor, baby steps."

We're staring at each other again, and my mind vaults me back to this morning in my kitchen, where I almost kissed him, but didn't. My mind then shifts to outside my house, where I almost hugged him, but I didn't.

"Hey, what are you thinking about? I can hear the-" Benji doesn't get to finish his sentence as I pull him closer to myself to capture his lips with mine. 

It's a soft, chaste kiss, completely different to the kiss on the bench and in the motel. Not only physically different but meaningfully different too. Nothing else is added to it. No Derek, no Mia. 

Just...us. 

And it feels good.

When I pull back, Benji has a smile plastered on his face. He squeezes my hands. "Wow. I wasn't expecting that."

My face feels really warm right now, and I don't know what exactly to say, so I smile back at him and shrug.

"Come on. We actually need to do some work." Benji lets go of one of my hands, but before he lets go of the other, he squeezes it softly. "Has Sarah done the weekly stock take yet?"

I scrunch my face. "She made me do it last time. I got bored to death by the end of it."

Benji snorts. "At least you don't have to do it anymore."

"Yup." I reply, "That's your job, Mr Assistant Manager."

Benji shakes his head, "That's Doctor Mr Assistant Manager to you, Victor Salazar."

"Yes sir!" I mock salute him, as he struts into the backroom again. I stare at him for a few seconds until I hear the sound of the café door opening. A few customers walk in. All of them are regulars, who we can always expect to be flocking into the café every Saturday morning.

I glance back at the backroom where Benji is. I can see him squatting in front of the fridge, checking the dates of the milk containers, muttering to himself.

Somehow, everything that's happened in the last 24 hours washes away, and I smile at how normal this feels. Benji and I, back together in Brass Town, fighting the waves of burnt out college students, one dirty chai latte at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor's message to Simon:
> 
> Dear Simon,  
> Forget the last text I sent you. I'm not ready. I'm so, so stupid. I wish I hadn't come out.
> 
> My mom said she doesn't accept me for who I am. Dad doesn't want Benji to come around. Why does coming have to be so difficult?
> 
> Benji was there when I properly spoke to them. He wanted to be there for me. He's so sweet and amazing, Simon, but I couldn't even hold his hand underneath the table!
> 
> He makes me feel things I've never felt before and it makes me feel so anxious. I want to be with him so, so bad, but how can I when I can't imagine myself holding his hands in public?
> 
> \---
> 
> Haley is the name I'm giving that girl who works with Victor in ep9. There's a lot of extras who work with Victor in Brass Town, so give me suggestions of what their names should be! 
> 
> Also, give me suggestions for Creekwood students' names and @'s for Twitter! Kudos to you if you can figure out where the photos and the names come from!
> 
> Also give me suggestions on what the next story should be called! I was thinking Back to Creekwood!
> 
> On a personal note, the scene where Victor cries, is 100% stolen from my own life. Life is shit y'all. But it's also beautiful.  
> Do you know what else is beautiful? George Sear and Michael Cimino. I normally don't have celebrating crushes but GODDAM now I have two.  
> If y'all haven't seen it, here's a link to Michael Cimino singing. (https://youtu.be/cwW1RmWZ2SY)
> 
> Good vibes everyone! Please comment your thoughts!!!!! 🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️
> 
> This chapter's discussion topic: How much do you agree with this?
> 
> In my opinion, I feel like with Benji's and Victor's relationship, Victor is quite overwhelmed with his really intense feelings for Benji, which are conflicting with the way he was brought up in Texas. This could be kind of an internal conflict as well as an external one, as Victor is always second guessing if he's being too much or not enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading. I haven't been writing in a while so I'm rustier than the Statue of Liberty. This fic is mainly for my self indulgence, as Coronavirus got me bored, with nothing to do other than write.
> 
> Tell me what you think, especially my first person perspectives. I tired to mimic Becky Albertalli's writing, but its the first time I've written in first person so I'll need tips. I'm also up for any discussion about the TV show in the comments.
> 
> Good vibes y'all and stream Chromatica by Lady Gaga


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